From the Depths

There is a buzz going around town lately as the local college resumes its fall courses. I'm glad for once to not be a part of this rabble as I have been for so many years past. I do miss the academics, but currently I have more pressing thoughts on my mind. In some ways I'm amazed that I would ever say that I miss the learning... but it is true. I do enjoy planting seeds of knowledge on my brain ever full of black dirt. Because I am not enrolled in any classes this fall, but waiting for next spring, there is a lack of certain structure that college allows for. Part of the idea of no structure disturbs me. Perhaps I'm more of a scheduled person than I thought. I know for certain that though I am spontaneous (to an intoxicating level), I do crave security in the idea that there is a plan for the day. It may be that God knows my need for my security should be in his plans for my day and not my own. I've been reminded that I've been given this fall to enjoy the wonders of my new small family, to take delight in the joys of my husband and small child (still in the womb). I am given this time to enjoy the beauty of a world He created specifically for me; my family, the transitions we make, the words he kindly speaks to my anxious heart, the beauty of the plants I've cared for and cultivated (both actual greenery, and the soul he's cultivated in me).
I realize I've been given the ability to role with the punches; whatever comes my way with some grace and ease. It is also in this place that I struggle and where I can make any small hill a mountain of great proportions. The faith that God has given me for trusting his will for my life can also seem so shattered when something doesn't turn out how I expected. This circumstance in no way disproves the Lord's faithfulness to me or a lack of concern for my heart. Instead it gives me room to grow in trust and faith that though mountains of thought and superficial steel crumble he's never left me and my life is completely intact in his hand. I just need to catch a glimpse of those hands that hold me, and not reject them.